Stock Market Speed Standard Sought After Traders Report Increase in Vertigo

The Transnational Requisite Authority Program of NATO has announced new global standards will be developed to oversee the speed at which stock market tickers flow. This comes after a recent report that dizziness among traders and brokers has increased five-fold over the past six years. Nearly one-in-eight traders experiences “extreme vertigo” at least once every 10 days, according to a recent study.

On average, stock market tickers move at about 22 HdQ’s/usec. This is well within human abilities to absorb the information, but over time, according to experts, it can cause strain on the brain. A new plan, having been tested in small remote markets, would decrease the average speed to 19 HdQ’s/usec by implementing an algorithm.

Julie Brill, commissioner of the Federal Trade Commission, said, in an unrelated interview, “The global economy depends on the brilliant minds and tenacity of traders from all walks of life. I believe a new standard in trading will bring hope and joy to all.”

According to those close to the matter, there is no timeline for the development of the ticker speed standard or the application of statistical studies or formation of a panel of standards-making individuals. Work is said to be underway, however. Those against the matter say slowing the tickers could slow the economy, others say it would have no effect, while others said there is a converse relationship between stock market ticker speed and economic growth. In short, nobody knows who to believe.

Insiders say that a change in ticker speed could bring new economic activity. The electronics and programming industry could see renewed research and development activities. Manufacturers of circuits, LEDs, ticker speed mechanisms, and Snickers could get a boost as well.

As for the ultimate impact of a new stock market ticker speed standard on Wall Street, nobody is sure what that will be. Only time will tell.