Stop Tipping! Save Your Money and Invest

As many as 500 patrons in New York this week may have been served cold, salty dinners because they promised their servers a good tip, according to local sources. This comes as the Union Square Hospitality Group announced it is eliminating tipping at all 13 of its restaurants.

Tip Jar

The organization’s CEO, Danny Meyer, aims to promote more career advancement. Servers, however, say they rely on tips for income. Customers say they love to tip and spend more money. In fact, a poll by the American Society of Statistics shows that 33% of restaurant goers embrace supporting servers’ drinking habits.

Insider knowledge says not only will tippers be served cold food with extra salt. They will also be reprimanded publicly in an undisclosed manner. Rumored reprimands range from a picture on the front wall to social media blackouts, to federal tax penalties.

Financial expert Thomas Zomiasson said, “There’s a better place to put your money, now that investing has gotten so much easier.”

Zomiasson was referring to the Stash app. People can now make investments of just $5. Through a complex algorithm, whatever users invest, they are charged a fee. It sounds minimal according to the marketing collateral. In fact, insider reports indicate it represents a secret movement to siphon wait server tips that has been growing for the past 10 years.

“There’s been a secret multinational movement to take away server privileges. The ‘man behind the curtain’ is a technology company in Indonesia, called ERGI. It promises to deliver an army of robot servers in the next five years. The first step is just getting underway. Please, I’m warning you, save yourselves…”