United Airlines Wins $3 Billion Syria Contract

Every cloud has a silver lining and there is no such thing as bad publicity. Two well used sayings that could not be more apt in the case of the latest United Continental Holdings Inc. saga.

You would think a video watched by tens of millions of one of your customers being violently dragged from their paid-for seat would have a negative effect upon your business? You would think that the sight of a bloodied passenger pleading for his life would have a detrimental affect upon the company responsible? well, think again.

Despite the company’s shares plummeting more than 4%, wiping millions of its value, it is not all bad news. After watching the video of the disturbing incident, President Donald Trump stepped in.  Trump decided that United Airlines are just the people to ‘do the job’ in Syria.

Brutal United Airlines

The brutal evacuation of the passenger that refused to give up his seat is seen as just the kind of action needed to remove rogue Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. The Syrian dictator has overseen a viscous 5-year civil war that has seen over 500,000 dead. Removing Assad has proved tricky for the United Nations due to the Iranian and Russian support. However, the latest tactic, to contract United Airlines to remove Saddam looks to be the boldest yet.

Costing nearly $3 billion dollars, it is expected that  some surly flight attendants will drag President Assad from his palace into the arms of the waiting US forces in Jordan. Some flight attendants shall be nursing hangovers following Gatwick to Ibiza shifts. These are expected to be extra surly.

CEO Oscar Munoz is yet to comment on the government contract. However, a spokesperson for United Airlines told our reporter to “F*ck Off”. She added “Do you want some?, if so I will give you some.”